"The First Move" - by Pam Heatley

What are the things in your life that you care for? I mean really take care of? Your house, your lawn, your health. Then you have people and how much time you spend caring for them. How about kids: making sure they do their homework, brush their teeth, get enough rest. For those of us who are married we care for our husband and wives…making sure the dinner is on the table, the laundry is washed, folded, put away. We make sure we work hard to earn a living so the people we love feel secure, supported. Many of us are caring for our aging parents, we attend doctor appointments, fix faucets in their homes, hang pictures. We do things they can no longer do for themselves. We care for our things, we even care for our people. But when is the last time you thought of caring for your relationships. Quite frankly I think we are all too busy. I’ll give you an example.

The past week of the Heatley family has been crazy. The school year came to an end so our kids were running in overdrive. Each of them had a school program or two we had to attend, there were field trips, shopping trips to buy teachers gifts, Tara’s last soccer game of the season, Isaac’s first encounter with Little League coming to an end for the year, Ava’s play, I’m finishing a semester in school, working here at Vision and Don’s working like crazy.

On top of all this we had planned on putting up an above the ground pool in May but it is now the end of June and the boxes are still in our garage. This is the state of life for the Heatley’s. as a matter of fact it is the state of life for most of us. If it’s not a pool and kid’s activities it’s something else. Our state of life affects the state of our relationships? And it doesn’t affect them positively. Especially If you’ve never thought of your relationships with people as being something you need to care for. Believe me, it is.

We need to actively care for our relationships and put time into it like we clean out our refrigerator or tune up our car. The common wisdom of our day is that it should be easy and if it’s not it’s not a good relationship. We think if we have to work to hard at staying happy in our relationships with one another something is wrong but I’m telling you today that if you are not working at having happy fulfilling relationships that something is wrong and 10 years from today it will be worse.

So often we think relationships just happen, or evolve. They are good or bad and there really isn’t all that much we can do about it. Sometimes we feel they start off good but too much “junk” got in the way. The water is full of years of disappointment, criticism, resentment, and mistakes. We look at all the junk floating by like water under the bridge of our relationships and think there is nothing we can do about all of that pain, mistrust and anger. This water is so think that there is no way we can wade through it. Eventually we become distant and unavailable. We go through the motions but the real connection, the spirit connection, is gone. Water under the bridge… I hear people say all the time that they’d have a better marriage if only I had a different job, or we didn’t live so close to her mother. We think that all this water under the bridge determines the quality of our relationships.

Guess what? That’s not true. That is all in your head.

Don and I had a little spat over our pool. I made a comment that I was disappointed that it wasn’t up yet. He thought I was criticizing him for not getting it up in a timely manner. We both forgot that the reason we have no pool is because the guy we hired to level the ground cut our fuel line and after that was fixed we discovered a broken connector in our leach field. After that was fixed, it rained every other day for 2 weeks or so. Wet ground. And of course Don reminded me that I never got the top soil that we need to put on the ground to keep the rocks from moving up through the liner but I told him with great emotion that it was the last day of school yesterday and the kids all invited friends over and I couldn’t fit them all into the car. By the time the herd had thinned out and I packed them in my car with the dog we are dog sitting it started to pour and I didn’t want to take 5 kids and a dog to Pennings in the pouring rain for top soil that we probably couldn’t fit in the car in the first place. Miscommunication, disappointment And more water under the bridge. Don felt attached, I felt like he has no idea what I do all day. Water under the Bridge.

I know there is some water under the bridge that is much more painful to look at than unfinished backyard plans. This water is dark and murky and poisonous. But it still does not have power over the state of your relationships. . Many times we find ourselves in relationships that are stuck in the poisonous murky waters. But we continue going down a destructive path because we just don’t believe we have the power to change it.

There is one person that has the power over the state of all your relationships. That person is YOU. So often we waste our time waiting for the other person to exercise their power and change the relationship for us. You have the power to change the state of any of your relationship. And that power comes from the Holy Spirit of the living God

But guess what? It is up to you to reclaim your power to change your life and your relationships and make something incredible for yourself. But listen, this kind of power that comes from the Holy Spirit is not the kind of power that makes you domineering. It will not give you more control of the people in your life and it will not enable you to win more arguments.

It is not the power to take things from people that you think you deserve. It is the power to give and lift up. The power that comes from the spirit is power with conviction and depth. It is the power to encourage, to create and to rebuild. And how do we know we have that power? Because through Jesus, God showed us that we do.

Let’s look at the scripture that Don read this morning. Paul, the author of the letter to the Romans tells us that while we were “yet sinners”(church language) in other words “still jerks” God reached out to reconcile with us. That’s how good God is, that while we are all still disrespecting, manipulating and controlling, God is reaching out as if to say… sure I’ll make the first move.

When I read the letters of Paul I really am amazed at how he goes on about love and harmony and encouragement because I don’t think Paul was always that nice a guy. As a matter of fact he could a real jerk. Let’s remember that Paul started out persecuting Christians. At one time the apostles feared Paul and had a hard time trusting him even after his conversion.

But Paul was a changed man. Paul experienced a God that made the first move. Think about the relationship Paul had with Jesus. While Paul is persecuting Christians Jesus comes to him and says, “ I am the one you’re persecuting.” Jesus makes the first move.

The reality of what Jesus had done for Paul was so overwhelming that he changed the way he saw his relationship to other people. Paul saw that the Christian faith had the power to shape lives and change the way you perceive your life and especially how you perceived your life with other people.

Listen to what Paul says. Paul experienced a God who made the first move. Because of that he saw a new reality and this reality is not about the water under the bridge. It is the reality of living a life in Christ in which we are led to make the first move.

The problem is we just don’t see the power that we have. We fall into a victim mentality. We point blame. We wait. We want the one that is making us so miserable to “make the first move”. We say things like , “If so and so doesn’t care than I don’t care either.” Or “Let them come to me”. Or “I’ll change when they change”. Or “She doesn’t understand me”,

God doesn’t want us to be victims. God doesn’t want us to depend on waiting for the people in our lives to change. God doesn’t wait on us. God comes to us while we were “still Jerks” and in doing that, God gives us the power to do the same.

Don’t misunderstand me this is not about enabling. Enabling is covering for and finding a way to live around someone else’s dysfunction. This is about hope. This is about vision. What I am saying is that people with power have a vision of what they think there life will be. They have hope and expect their relationships to be fulfilling. Maybe your goal is for more intimacy, maybe your relationship needs to be more honest, more gentle, less critical, maybe your goal is to stop addiction from ruling your relationship, there are plenty of ways to reach those goals. It may mean coming to Don or I, it may mean seeking counseling, it may mean getting into a 12 step program. Whatever your goal is the most important thing is that YOU make the first move.

The world tells us when things are going wrong to retreat, or to get revenge or say hurtful things, criticize, manipulate or quit. Jesus was very different. He taught us that in times of conflict or healing a broken relationship there is power in making the first move because that is what God has done for us.

"The First Move" - by Pam Heatley
Romans 5:1-8
God gives us power to make the first move in our relationships
What are the things in your life that you care for? I mean really take care of? Your house, your lawn, your health. Then you have people and how much time you spend caring for them. How about kids: making sure they do their homework, brush their teeth, get enough rest. For those of us who are married we care for our husband and wives…making sure the dinner is on the table, the laundry is washed, folded, put away. We make sure we work hard to earn a living so the people we love feel secure, supported. Many of us are caring for our aging parents, we attend doctor appointments, fix faucets in their homes, hang pictures. We do things they can no longer do for themselves. We care for our things, we even care for our people. But when is the last time you thought of caring for your relationships. Quite frankly I think we are all too busy. I’ll give you an example. The past week of the Heatley family has been crazy. The school year came to an end so our kids were running in overdrive. Each of them had a school program or two we had to attend, there were field trips, shopping trips to buy teachers gifts, Tara’s last soccer game of the season, Isaac’s first encounter with Little League coming to an end for the year, Ava’s play, I’m finishing a semester in school, working here at Vision and Don’s working like crazy. On top of all this we had planned on putting up an above the ground pool in May but it is now the end of June and the boxes are still in our garage. This is the state of life for the Heatley’s. as a matter of fact it is the state of life for most of us. If it’s not a pool and kid’s activities it’s something else. Our state of life affects the state of our relationships? And it doesn’t affect them positively. Especially If you’ve never thought of your relationships with people as being something you need to care for. Believe me, it is. We need to actively care for our relationships and put time into it like we clean out our refrigerator or tune up our car. The common wisdom of our day is that it should be easy and if it’s not it’s not a good relationship. We think if we have to work to hard at staying happy in our relationships with one another something is wrong but I’m telling you today that if you are not working at having happy fulfilling relationships that something is wrong and 10 years from today it will be worse. So often we think relationships just happen, or evolve. They are good or bad and there really isn’t all that much we can do about it. Sometimes we feel they start off good but too much “junk” got in the way. The water is full of years of disappointment, criticism, resentment, and mistakes. We look at all the junk floating by like water under the bridge of our relationships and think there is nothing we can do about all of that pain, mistrust and anger. This water is so think that there is no way we can wade through it. Eventually we become distant and unavailable. We go through the motions but the real connection, the spirit connection, is gone. Water under the bridge… I hear people say all the time that they’d have a better marriage if only I had a different job, or we didn’t live so close to her mother. We think that all this water under the bridge determines the quality of our relationships. Guess what? That’s not true. That is all in your head. Don and I had a little spat over our pool. I made a comment that I was disappointed that it wasn’t up yet. He thought I was criticizing him for not getting it up in a timely manner. We both forgot that the reason we have no pool is because the guy we hired to level the ground cut our fuel line and after that was fixed we discovered a broken connector in our leach field. After that was fixed, it rained every other day for 2 weeks or so. Wet ground. And of course Don reminded me that I never got the top soil that we need to put on the ground to keep the rocks from moving up through the liner but I told him with great emotion that it was the last day of school yesterday and the kids all invited friends over and I couldn’t fit them all into the car. By the time the herd had thinned out and I packed them in my car with the dog we are dog sitting it started to pour and I didn’t want to take 5 kids and a dog to Pennings in the pouring rain for top soil that we probably couldn’t fit in the car in the first place. Miscommunication, disappointment And more water under the bridge. Don felt attached, I felt like he has no idea what I do all day. Water under the Bridge. I know there is some water under the bridge that is much more painful to look at than unfinished backyard plans. This water is dark and murky and poisonous. But it still does not have power over the state of your relationships. . Many times we find ourselves in relationships that are stuck in the poisonous murky waters. But we continue going down a destructive path because we just don’t believe we have the power to change it. There is one person that has the power over the state of all your relationships. That person is YOU. So often we waste our time waiting for the other person to exercise their power and change the relationship for us. You have the power to change the state of any of your relationship. And that power comes from the Holy Spirit of the living God But guess what? It is up to you to reclaim your power to change your life and your relationships and make something incredible for yourself. But listen, this kind of power that comes from the Holy Spirit is not the kind of power that makes you domineering. It will not give you more control of the people in your life and it will not enable you to win more arguments. It is not the power to take things from people that you think you deserve. It is the power to give and lift up. The power that comes from the spirit is power with conviction and depth. It is the power to encourage, to create and to rebuild. And how do we know we have that power? Because through Jesus, God showed us that we do. Let’s look at the scripture that Don read this morning. Paul, the author of the letter to the Romans tells us that while we were “yet sinners”(church language) in other words “still jerks” God reached out to reconcile with us. That’s how good God is, that while we are all still disrespecting, manipulating and controlling, God is reaching out as if to say… sure I’ll make the first move. When I read the letters of Paul I really am amazed at how he goes on about love and harmony and encouragement because I don’t think Paul was always that nice a guy. As a matter of fact he could a real jerk. Let’s remember that Paul started out persecuting Christians. At one time the apostles feared Paul and had a hard time trusting him even after his conversion. But Paul was a changed man. Paul experienced a God that made the first move. Think about the relationship Paul had with Jesus. While Paul is persecuting Christians Jesus comes to him and says, “ I am the one you’re persecuting.” Jesus makes the first move. The reality of what Jesus had done for Paul was so overwhelming that he changed the way he saw his relationship to other people. Paul saw that the Christian faith had the power to shape lives and change the way you perceive your life and especially how you perceived your life with other people. Listen to what Paul says. Paul experienced a God who made the first move. Because of that he saw a new reality and this reality is not about the water under the bridge. It is the reality of living a life in Christ in which we are led to make the first move. The problem is we just don’t see the power that we have. We fall into a victim mentality. We point blame. We wait. We want the one that is making us so miserable to “make the first move”. We say things like , “If so and so doesn’t care than I don’t care either.” Or “Let them come to me”. Or “I’ll change when they change”. Or “She doesn’t understand me”, God doesn’t want us to be victims. God doesn’t want us to depend on waiting for the people in our lives to change. God doesn’t wait on us. God comes to us while we were “still Jerks” and in doing that, God gives us the power to do the same. Don’t misunderstand me this is not about enabling. Enabling is covering for and finding a way to live around someone else’s dysfunction. This is about hope. This is about vision. What I am saying is that people with power have a vision of what they think there life will be. They have hope and expect their relationships to be fulfilling. Maybe your goal is for more intimacy, maybe your relationship needs to be more honest, more gentle, less critical, maybe your goal is to stop addiction from ruling your relationship, there are plenty of ways to reach those goals. It may mean coming to Don or I, it may mean seeking counseling, it may mean getting into a 12 step program. Whatever your goal is the most important thing is that YOU make the first move. The world tells us when things are going wrong to retreat, or to get revenge or say hurtful things, criticize, manipulate or quit. Jesus was very different. He taught us that in times of conflict or healing a broken relationship there is power in making the first move because that is what God has done for us.